Learning

I’m learning how to be myself. I’ve hated myself because I think that I drove my mother away from me. I know she was a abuser and that she had beaten me and tried to kill me. I still think that I’ve did that to her. That I made her like that. I still hate myself but I don’t think this anymore.I now its her fult that she did this. I still miss her everyday. Why miss someone how hates you so much that they would try to kill you? I don’t know, do you know she? Please tell me.